I’m back in front of a blank page. As in previous sessions of this kind, I have no clear idea what I will write about. I’m painfully aware that I have much in my heart, in my mind that needs to come out and find its therapeutic place on a page. But my head and heart are so full, and being continually topped up with ever increasing emotional weight, that I have no space left for clarity.
A clear out is long overdue to allow for that space to more objectively manage the tangles within!
In the last few months I’ve faced some interesting tangles, the nature of which I have found intensely frustrating… I am by nature a lover of the open book and simple honesty. My tangles have recently involved the need for such discretion and tip-toeing that I am unable to be true to myself in a forum as public as a blog. I have yet to find a satisfying way to deal with the delicate balancing of raw and honest emotion weighed down by responsibility and respect for others and dare I say it legal obligation to keep certain things to myself.
Of course, this wouldn’t be a problem if I were to journal in the tradition of paper and pen… My words, however indiscrete could hardly do any damage once brought to any public inspection since that would likely be long after… well, probably long after my death!!!
And yet, I come back time and again to the medium of the blog. It is far more than the convenience of the keyboard over paper and pen (a wrist injury and hypermobile joints make writing painful). It is more than the joy of adding pictures, photographs, links to websites and sometimes even video to the narrative. And perhaps more strangely, its importance to me is far beyond the narcissistic
and exhibitionist nature of the “me” who wants acknowledgment, recognition.
The public nature of blogging is hugely important to me. Maybe there is a link to Schrodinger and his cat, to Berkely’s tree in a forest… maybe my thoughts only truly exist, or are only truly released when they have been shared by others?