I think this week I avoided breaking.
My absence from here is often a sign that the demands of Life are too much for me to process… I keep going (in the style of the world’s greatest copers), and my head and heart fill and fill and fill to such an extent that I cannot untangle anything from that awful jumble up there.
This week’s beginning was a small culmination of months of struggle – and for reasons beyond my control I had to take the reins and cancel what could have been a very important and potentially resolvy sort of meeting. It was only officially cancelled at the very last minute, and it was the right decision.
Since then, on Tuesday morning, I have shut down in some way. And it was last night that I began to realise that I have somehow discovered a self preservation instinct: to shut down all but the necessary functions in order to avoid breakdown, in order to recoup, recover a little and be ready to battle again another day.
A few years ago I did not have that instinct. I continued until I broke, and it was the single most terrifying experience of my life.
So today, while feeling somewhat spacey and out of it, I am cheering my ability to take a short leave of absence. The “me without” has gone to visit the “me within”. We’ll have tea and hugs and wait a while to regain the strength to face the outside world once more.