All’s well with my little world tonight.
Eldest is back at school with the greatest care. I’m proud of him, and thankful that he is surrounded by people who truly want the best for him.
Sweet Girl is still coping. That’s all we ask of her just now, and she is, bless her, delivering.
Little Man is ill… “just” a cold, so I’m watching. But he’s happy enough.
Darling Man is slowly winding down after a stressful week.
Time for bed 🙂
It’s Sunday, the last day of a very long week, but as we near bedtime, I have a moment of calm to put a little of that week down on “paper”.
Our main concern this week has been Eldest, who has had a really tough time recently emotionally. He hit crisis point this week which led to a terribly difficult evening on the telephone. Parenting at a distance is hard – he is a couple of hours away at his school, and though i remain utterly convinced that he is in the best place to help him navigate his childhood and adolescence, it is very difficult to hear him in distress and to have only the power of my voice and words at my disposal to comfort and reassure him…
With a lot of convincing, I was able to get his agreement to come home for the weekend (the contrast between “one day of happiness, then coming back to hell” was so overwhelming that he felt it preferable to stay put) and I am sure it was the right decision.
Seeing him has done us all good, and it may be that with a more positive relationship at home he comes back more frequently – we shall see.
With the reassurance of seeing him comes a more measured reaction I suppose. The fact is that we are at the cusp of a new stage of life as parents, as people – all of us. Eldest is a young boy brimming with potential, but held back by Asperger’s syndrome. Now we have to add puberty and adolescence to the mix, and in him I suspect that combination is colliding to create some depression. The trick, I suppose, is to find the way to help him navigate all of those quite natural and painful emotions, and keep sight of his goals for the future when his emotions are trying so hard to rule his head.
We have an appointment tomorrow at school with the psychiatrist, and I am very hopeful that together we will find a way to help him… though I also expect that we are in for a few years of heartache in the process!
Sweet Girl in the midst of all of this has picked up on my stress levels (she is uncanny in this way, and often mirrors me with awful accuracy). Her reflex in this kind of situation is to cope, and hold her own worries together… inevitably they come tumbling out and we will have to deal with her own litte (or big) crash in due course. My pretty dreadful week ended with a great burst of light, though. The local education authority have agreed that her level of need is such that she will be assessed formally for a statement of special educational needs. This was a major hurdle to overcome in order to ensure that she has access to the appropriate education after primary school. My weekend began, therefore, with a great positive.
Little Man is at Cherry Trees for respite tonight… love that little boy so much! There is such a struggle being fought for him at the moment, and much as I would like to clear my head of it through writing, very little of it can be shared – at least not now, and not here.
I have found in myself, this week, a new kind of resilience. Much like three years ago, I am once more at breaking point because life throws “too much” at me. A couple of weeks ago I avoided falling off the cliff. This week, I fell, but found a ledge and scrambled back up. I know that I can’t necessarily avoid that fall, but I do know that I will get back up.
Unlike three years ago, I am not depressed – strange, that ability to be at breaking point without the depression… I’m not quite sure what to make of it, and I can only take one day as it comes. But the despair I felt three years ago is much less prominent, and far less powerful now.
I think this week I avoided breaking.
My absence from here is often a sign that the demands of Life are too much for me to process… I keep going (in the style of the world’s greatest copers), and my head and heart fill and fill and fill to such an extent that I cannot untangle anything from that awful jumble up there.
This week’s beginning was a small culmination of months of struggle – and for reasons beyond my control I had to take the reins and cancel what could have been a very important and potentially resolvy sort of meeting. It was only officially cancelled at the very last minute, and it was the right decision.
Since then, on Tuesday morning, I have shut down in some way. And it was last night that I began to realise that I have somehow discovered a self preservation instinct: to shut down all but the necessary functions in order to avoid breakdown, in order to recoup, recover a little and be ready to battle again another day.
A few years ago I did not have that instinct. I continued until I broke, and it was the single most terrifying experience of my life.
So today, while feeling somewhat spacey and out of it, I am cheering my ability to take a short leave of absence. The “me without” has gone to visit the “me within”. We’ll have tea and hugs and wait a while to regain the strength to face the outside world once more.