I was searching (intently, if only briefly!) for a picture to match both my mood and my topic tonight when I found this! And this close to Valentine’s day added to the fact that my first topic of study in this Biology endeavour was the heart and cardiovascular disease, it seemed apt!
So… my teeny tiny post tonight is one of fairly quiet, proud success. A few days ago, with lost of shaking and nerves, I clicked on the “confirm” button to upload my first assignment. Biology A level is really interesting, but I have struggled to find the hours to study. It’s been a tough month on the family front, and I’ve had a heavy workload on the Special Needs Mum front, so my self confidence has been waivering on the study front.
My heart was racing as I went to see if it had been marked… oh yes it had. My brain first registered the “50” as 50%, and there followed a free fall into that endless pit of despair – all that self doubt had indeed been right on the button…
Oh yes, this is my brain – I have to live with it Every Day!!! (It’s OK to feel a little sorry for me at this point… or a lot!)
Fortunately, a few seconds later, the higher brain realised and confirmed that the mark was out of 50… that in fact,I scored 100%! And the comments from my tutor was so so lovely… excellent work, an A*…
You’d think I’d go into the opposite of the first reaction, wouldn’t you? Elation, bliss, cloud 9 territory… nah! Deep and profound relief will do me!!!
So there we are… just enough of a lift to keep me going. I can’t wait to find those precious hours to get that next topic of study on the way… cystic fibrosis!! (come to think about it, there’s something a little depressing about these topics – fascinating though!).
Nighty night all!!
Basking in the glow of my little success tonight…
I hate secrets.
I. HATE. Secrets.
They poison relationships, they cause untold problems, they fester and breed faster than something that breeds really, really fast.
That’s why I love blogging, but have no desire to write a diary. There is something beautiful and liberating about the open book that is the blog. Knowing that at any time, any person from any part of the world can leaf through its pages. A couple of days ago, the statistics for my little simple tangles quite literally spanned the world. People from France, Spain, Germany, Sweden, Croatia, Cyprus, Turkey, Pakistan, India, Thailand, Indonesia, Philippines, New Zealand, Australia, America, Venezuela dropped by to have a little squizzle at my (hopefully) unpretentious musings.
What they thought is not so much the point. I find a simple beauty in that open book. I love that through my little words, I have a connection, however slight to little spots of humanity all over the planet.
Knowing this about me, knowing that I tend to breathe deeply and plunge head in to even tough truths…
Knowing that sometimes the truth makes me and others sad, but that tears also have their place…
Knowing that by absolutely facing embarrassment with care, sweetness, compassion and patience, honesty is leading me to a relationship with my little girl that I am truly proud of…
Knowing all of those things about me, you (whoever and wherever you are) will perhaps understand the anguish I have been in for the past few weeks.
I have had to be “discrete” about a very difficult and painful situation. Grown up, sensible, mature reflection means that I simply cannot write anything more about it here. It has been leeching my soul, requiring hours and hours of delicate phone calls, “well-written” letters, checking, and re-checking, asking for help and once again telling my story. More than anything I know that writing about the whole thing would have helped that little “me within” I wrote of a while ago. But the public nature of the blog made that impossible. It saddens me that I believe strongly that writing about it would have righted wrongs (oh… notice that write rights wrongs? how lovely… serendipity at work!) not only for the person I was working for, but probably for many others…
Today this poisoned dart was more or less pulled out. The situation was resolved. Integrity was lacking, honesty was very much in the back seat. All is pretty on the surface and all parties concerned, I am sure, are sleeping peacefully tonight. I’m a little sad that it had to be resolved in the way it did. But all is an awful lot better in my heart now I am no longer carrying it around.
Taking the high road is often not easy or pleasant, nor does it often come with glory, thanks or even recognition. The only solace (and it is in fact of great importance to me) is that I did the right thing at each step of the way. I know that I could not have done better, that I stood up when I needed to, but backed down as soon as a solution became apparent. So I too will sleep tonight.
By writing in this blog, I bare my soul and my thoughts, I place in the hands of the universe my Self. I hope to accept criticisms and question those aspects of that Self that others may find difficult. I love the meeting of minds that comes from conversations begun on this page. In every word, you read Me.
The hardest aspect of the last few days has been the feeling that “I” was not heard or seen. That a girl that looks like me was seen, but in almost every important way that girl was other… She was overprotective, overbearing, stubborn maybe… Certainly a pain in the behind. I was not, I am not that girl. And despite the axiom that we should not care what others think, I hurt at the thought that others look and me and listen to me, but neither see nor hear “me”.
I’m leaving you in the dark, big world.
I can only write what I feel, not what I did, or said, or thought.
The good in this: things always change. Sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better, but things always change. This morning I hurt, I was afraid, I was sad and angry, disappointed and frustrated. This evening, I am at peace. I can move on. There is even a little smile on my face as I can turn back to my “page” and let my fingers dance over the keys once again. This post may well have rambled in a rather strange fashion, but as I once wrote, I don’t edit. So I’ve just skimmed to ensure that nothing “slipped” that shouldn’t have (those blasted secrets poisoning my life again!), but other than that, this is my ramble, my bramble, my tangle.
Tell me about your day (click on this link to access the PDF!)
Yesterday, or so, I lose track of time these days, I wrote a little post about a new behaviour management technique I’m trialling with my Littles. I’ve had such lovely comments about it, and it’s continuing to surprise me in such a positive way that I thought I’d share it with you. In the photo below you’ll see that my first attempt didn’t have a good colour spectrum, and the Littles have told me they needed two “calm” emotions; one sad, one happy. So I’ve moved things around just a little, and added more appropriate colours.
We find that sometimes, the colours are more helpful than the words. Equally, the three “faces” I drew alongside can be all that’s needed. My patience and time haven’t allowed me to put those into my computer – I’m still relying on that good old toolset: hand and pen. Have a look at this photo to see what I mean:
I print them out small to paste into their school contact books, but I’ve also provided a full A4 one for those of you whom it would suit better. I need to keep a record of their moods, but you might want to laminate a big one and start afresh each day – especially if you’re only using it at the weekend?
Good luck, and I hope it helps!
Given that WordPress wouldn’t let me upload the most brilliant video, I’ve changed this previously empty post to a photo of Little Man!
He’s standing, balancing on a foam float! Weekly hydrotherapy has improved his core stability, strength and stamina more that I would ever have thought possible… not to mention significant pain reduction! Yay!