Four times or more, in the past few days, I have clicked “new post”.  Sat with fingers poised above my keyboard wanting, needing to write.  But nothing has come.  I needed to write the honesty that belies my “smiley” approach to life; I’m so often told that I’m always happy, always positive.  I’m not!!!  I work so hard on acceptance, and on the whole I suppose I am happy but it takes a lot of work.

And recently I’ve been ratty, and grumpy and resentful and angry.  And tired and fed up and actually feeling a little bit sorry for myself!

I’ve lots more I need to shed.  Some wonderful happy moments that pass by fleetingly, but noticed and picked like little treasures – think of that little wild strawberry you come upon during a walk in the summer.

Ongoing battles with the authorities are simultaneously sapping my energy and firing me up with righteous anger.  Oh, righteous anger – it’s rather good fun!!  I have waited patiently, I have followed the process and they have not held up their end of the bargain.  So now, I am at my battle stations: if I need to talk combatively, if I need to apply what feels like emotional pressure, so be it!  Because when everything is said and done, I know that I am in the right.  And I know that in the end, I will prevail.  If only they would admit that sooner rather than later, and we could all stop wasting time and money!!

Startlingly, I have managed to shift my brain to Christmas; I’d been dreading it for weeks now because it feels like only yesterday that I was scrabbling around trying to make the holiday special and lovely for my little brood.  And yet, all of a sudden, things have come together.  Presents are on the way to being sorted out.  Some are home made, though far fewer than last year.  Food is Nick’s domain so I am happily unaware of anything in that area.

We went on a tree buying expedition as a family this weekend and have now got one of our best trees ever… as yet undecorated because Little Man was at Cherry Trees on Sunday, and we have not managed any family time since.  I have a plan though!!

Thursday is being redesignated as Family Day and we are decorating the tree.

The morning will begin with the Christmas Ride at the children’s riding stables (must write that post about the RDA).  I have made lovely costumes for the children to wear that I will then donate to the group and will add photos when I have them all on their ponies.  Little Man and Sweet Girl each have a teaching assistant assigned to help them, and they will be joining us as will Darling Man who has taken a rare day off work.

Once done, one of the grown ups will return the lovely Mrs V and Mrs K to school while the other takes the children home.  And then FAMILY DAY!!!  We are going to decorate the Christmas tree and try to put some smiles on our darlings’ faces.

*Gasp* *Shock* *Horror*!!!  But what of school???  Do you have permission???  What will they say?????

Emotional response?  Stuff school, we all need this

My more measured response will show that actually, this is not nearly as dramatic as I just made it sound.  Kesia is not managing school well at all once more and it has already been decided that she would only attend during the mornings this week (and in any case, she does not go to school on Thursday afternoons with the “blessing” of both school and the educational welfare officer – the change of lessons is simply too much for her).  So my Family Day is not impacting on her timetable at all.

As for Little Man?  Well… I send him into school unless he is seriously ill.  Sleepless nights are followed by school days; pain is not used as a reason to miss school, nor are headaches etc…

On Thursday afternoons, his year go swimming.  Without him.

The public pool is too cold, and the staff simply are not equipped to support his needs in the water.  So he stays school with another disabled child.  Will he miss out on an important educational or social experience Thursday?

No!!!  cos he’s going to be decorating the Christmas tree.. learning to take turns, and share; chatting and listening to his sister chat; work out where to put those decorations; eat and drink a little hopefully….

Mostly, my aim is that we’ll smile, and laugh and make some good memories.

Once again, I’ve let my fingers fly across the keyboard and the outcome is utterly surprising… There are some little strange hints at the beginning that suggest I need to think and make time to write more seriously to try and untangle those yarny thoughts, but for now, I think I’m happy!!

A lot happier than when I started typing, anyway!!!

As ever, thank you so much to those of you who pop by, who write a little comment.  I don’t have a clue why it matters, but it does.  I appreciate every visit, every word!!!