We are not alone!
We’re brought up these days to think that we should not make our important decisions based on how others may view us.
I spend – no, I waste – precious time an energy worrying about what others think of me, of my decisions. And I’ve long thought that this was due to lacking self esteem, and as such something to be fought against.
And just now, a few moments ago it suddenly dawned on me: we are not alone! I value other people’s opinions because I know that my view of the world is necessarily rather limited. As much as I may try, I cannot see my life from outside. So I search for those views and screen shots of my life as seen from the outside. When I have difficult decisions to make (such as schooling for my children, our children – see here), I value the views of teachers, of other parents, of people who have shown me through their actions and words that they have wisdom to share.
Unfortunately, my emotional brain is not terribly discerning when it comes to which views it should value. So a letter from the Authority causes panic, when realistically it is a rather manipulative letter of little intrinsic value. In fact, my emotional brain has a real problem with that whole self esteem thing, and tends to be on high alert for those negative opinions… I’m going to put that to one side tonight.
Tonight, I realised that the opinion of people who have experience, compassion, intelligence and wisdom is hugely valuable. It helps clarify my thought, and it bolsters me when time gets tough.
This afternoon, I saw Sweet Girl’s paediatrician (who knows me well, being Little Man’s primary paediatrician). With her agreement of the problems we face came a sense of peace and relief; validation not only of the complexity and severity of Kesia’s special needs, but validation of my instincts and my decisions.
I can make those decisions based on the facts as I know them. But I don’t have the arrogance to be certain of their “right – ness”. I know that my vision is limited, by circumstance and by intense emotion.
Luckily, fortunately, wonderfully, we are not alone! And tonight, I am a good bit more comfortable with where we are. I am more resolved to continue on the path that will hopefully lead to a happier girl. I am armed with the knowledge that my vision is more than likely accurate. That helps me stand tall against the battering rams coming as a result of a decision made, but it also reminds me that I am likely to make good decisions in the future.
People are good to have around!