Funny how that simple act of blogging colours the rather more tangled act of living. As I move from dawn to dusk, I have the privilege of being followed by my inner writer. The result is a brighter spotlight on those moments that have their rightful place in my long term memory.
Today, there were three of those moments that deserve their space in this, my artificial memory bank.
My previous blog, Daily goings-on was instrumental in keeping my sanity while going through a very traumatic time with Eldest. I had a need to document something which was truly painful and almost surreal in its details… almost as if writing my life made it fact. I have misgivings sometimes, as I tend to write my heart into these “pages”. All the gory details are laid bare for all to see, for all time. But it is true, it is truth and hiding it would not change any of it. So in my heart and mind, I feel I am honouring those I write about even when what I write is hard to write, hard to read.
Three years later, I am in a similar position with Sweet Girl. I am stronger than I was then, I know more, I have more experience of “the system”, Asperger’s syndrome, broken children. So rather than turn to my screen as some do to a glass of wine at the end of a hard day and empty my mind and my heart of all the pain of that day, I can now make a considered decision…
With that rather more sane attitude come some delicate questions. Should I respect Sweet Girl’s privacy? Am I deluding myself that speaking of difficult times with as much love as frustration represents an “honouring” of sorts? How much, how little to write? And at the end of the day, what am I doing with this blog? We tread a fine line here between journalling and documentaring!! It is something deeply personal, yet we open it up to public criticism, not only in the now, but far into the future. My biggest and most important question: will my children understand, accept, forgive what I have written?
That said, we talk!! As much as puberty is a frequent and utterly open topic of conversation as the two older children enter that interesting period of life, their disabilities are ALWAYS open for discussion. We have no tolerance for excuses based on disability (see the tantrum post of this series – I’ll add a link when I’ve written it!!!), but we also expect each other to make allowances for difficulties experienced by each member of the family. So… I blog!
Kesia, my Sweet Girl is only attending school a very short amount of time each day. She has managed at most a couple of hours, and we are trying to deal with her anxiety by not forcing her into anything too uncomfortable. It’s a difficult path to tread, but given that she desperately wants to attend school, I do think it’s the right option. Last term, she was running away from staff, hiding, and screaming around the school building, utterly out of control and in the throes of (I’m not diagnosing!! just being a mum) a mental breakdown. This day in day out for weeks and months. It just couldn’t go on.
So this limbo is where we are. Which leaves me with a young girl at home most of the day. A very bright young girl, who wants to be at school but “can’t do it”, who wants to learn but can’t cope with the idea of school work being brought home (it doesn’t “fit”), who cannot tolerate boredom but finds it impossible to decide what to do, and cannot accept suggestions…
After three weeks of this suspension from “real life”, I was beginning to find it very difficult to maintain the emotional balance that Kesia needs, so I made a plan. I’m finding myself half way between a school mum and a homeschool mum. It’s far from idea, but at least we now have a chance to find some sense of purpose, achievement and satisfaction in this rather strange situation.
In dealing with my lovely Aspies, I have learnt that there is very little point in trying to impose a timetable on them. The rigidity is almost guaranteed to cause problems (conversely, a lack of structure assures failure as well). So thanks to an idea poached from a fellow blogger, I made a post it for each task I wanted Kesia to complete this week. The result was a wall of post it notes, that she would then move as each task was completed. Sweet Girl has taken up the challenge with enthusiasm, and asked if she could do a project on the Ancient Greeks. A few hours scouring the internet and I found just the right thing for her at minimal cost: Simple Schooling.
All set on our new plan, we began Tuesday!! And what was to be a simple post about today has taken up most of my evening, to the point that letters are beginning to dance…. The first of my “three posts for today” will have to be continued in the morning!